- Love your gun unconditionally. Join the NRA.
- Love Grover Norquist unconditionally and sign his pledge not to raise taxes under any circumstances. No matter how many people are out of work, homeless or sick.
- Love your country unconditionally and stick to the belief that America can do no wrong. Do not get a passport and do not ever travel outside the United States.
- Love your ideological purity. Never compromise.
- Love your God and label any policy that benefits the majority of citizens, especially the weak, the young and the old, “socialist.”
- Love your mother, except when it comes to equal rights, equal pay and the right to choose when and if she is capable of bearing a child.
- Hate government: Be proud that you are an outsider, have no previous experience in public service and believe that makes you the best qualified candidate for the job.
- Never leave home without your flag lapel pin.
*Not to be confused with how to succeed in governing.